Rules for the Toilet

The rules for the toilet

The Rules for the Toilet is an alias for a famous Japanese sign, indicating the rules for proper use of a toilet. The sign was made famous by Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs, appearing in the original video on June 23, 2008.

Standard rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.)
3. No puking in the toilet. (Nobody needs to see or smell your puke.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We can see your shit coming out of your ass when you do that.)
5. No fishing. (What the hell? Nobody will ever do that. What would you catch? Maybe somebody else's shit.)
6. No shitting in the urinal. (That's the best idea I have ever heard.)

Other rules

There are other signs indicating other rules for properly taking a dump or a piss. Users may view these signs in their respective episodes of Microsoft Sam reads Stupid and Weird Signs.

Episode 4

1. Sit and shit correctly.
2. Do not stand on the toilet and shit. (It's just wrong.)

Episode 7

1. No peeing standing up. (As usual, your penis is fat, smelly and disgusting.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn bitch. (We can see your shit exploding out of your fat ass, when you do that, bitch.)

Episode 11

1. Please roll the toilet paper into the toilet, rip three sheets off and send the rest down the toilet. (That's just awesome. To hell with the environment, I wipe my ass with the environment.)
2. No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (Please, I do not want to see your partially digested BLT sandwich, splattered over my diarrhea infested toilet, thank you very much.)

Episode 14

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody needs to see the giant monsoon of diarrhea pouring out of your anus, thank you very much.)
2. Place your butt cheeks on the toilet, sit up straight, place your hands on your knees, and sit and shit in an orderly fashion because there's a huge fucking lineup outside waiting to get that anal fudge out of their anus.

Episode 16

1. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your STD infected penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last thing I want to see is partially digested corn stew mixed with tacos and vanilla ice cream being slowly shat out in full view of everyone.)
3. No pissing like a dog in the urinal. (You're not a bitch!)
4. No oral sex. (Why in holy hell any girl would want to suck on your repulsive penises beyond me? It's probably half the size of an atom, and infected with every disease known to man.)

Episode 18

1. Proper vomiting technique is as follows: First, get down on your hands and knees and pray to the toilet gods. (Their blessing will grant the power of levitation so you can cleanly vomit up everything you've eaten in the history of history into the toilet. (CAUTION: May result in death.)
2. Do not vomit on the floor while praying to the toilet gods. (The toilet gods will be most displeased and you will die to death as a result.)

• Caution in both cases: Vomit may contain worms.

Episode 21

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Put your buttocks on the seat and shit like a normal person, we don't give a shit if the seat has more bacteria than a superbug-infested hospital.)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Please evacuate your anus like a gentleman.)
3. Throw an entire roll of toilet paper down the toilet. (What the fuck, who would waste precious toilet paper? Then again, after I dump my anus, I tend to flush an entire roll down the toilet anyway.)

Episode 26

Round 1

1. No diving. (The swimming budget has really suffered in recent years. No need for synchronized swimming when we have synchronized shitting.)

Round 2

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (What, do you want us to see a waterfall of diarrhea streaming out your butthole?)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be a civilized person and shit normally.)

Episode 28

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (That's right, this is the gentleman's toilet. There's even a dress code. If you wish to expel all that anal fudge from your anus, you must wear a three-piece tuxedo while sitting on the toilet. Only classy bowel movements on this toilet.)
2. No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (No one, I repeat, no one wants to see a waterfall of partially digested corn and chicken pouring out of your butthole! You'd probably miss the toilet and spray the entire stall with your volcanic shit that I will have to fucking clean up.)

• If you deliberately disobey these rules, then I, will, make, you, fucking clean this shit up instead, with a toothbrush, and your bare hands, bitch.

Episode 29

• No standing on toilet seat. (This is not a fucking Olympic event, you won't get style points for showing everyone the stream of explosive diarrhea exploding out your anus. Sit and shit in an orderly manner, god damn it!)
• No sitting and shitting while shitposting. (Stop posting dank memes and start squeezing those giant turds out your butthole.)

Toilet Rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Stop wasting a good toilet by pissing. The time you waste pissing is time better spent sitting and shitting.)
3. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Absolutely fucking no one wants to see a stream of shit mixed with corn, tacos, and prunes pouring out your anus!)
4. No standing and aiming your anus at the toilet. (I don't give a fucking shit if the toilet seat is more diseased than an African village infected with Ebola, sit your fat ass down on the toilet and shit like a normal person. Freak.)

Episode 30

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you ate Taco Bell last night. No, we don't need to fucking see Shitty Niagara Falls streaming out your butthole.)
2. No doing squats in front of the toilet. (We don't care if you need to stretch that sphincter, you will sit on the toilet and not shit all over the goddamn floor.)

Proper toilet rules for taking an incredible shit

• Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
• Be sure to use the entire roll of toilet paper to wipe all that anal fudge out of your anus.
• Then punch the toilet afterwards for good measure.
• Wash your hands, and you're done.
• Oh, and if you just need to piss, use the urinal. Don't waste the toilet. Toilets are for squeezing out massive turds from your super-tight butthole.

More Rules

1. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Yes, we know you can't aim your penis, you can't do anything right.)
2. No peeing in the toilet while sitting on the floor. (You can't even aim while standing up, what makes you think you can aim while sitting down? You'll piss everywhere, on the floor, on the sink, on the mirror, on the bartender, you'll piss everywhere, except the fucking glass.)
3. Sit and piss in an orderly manner. (Bitch, no time to piss when there's time to sit and shit in an orderly manner!)

Episode 31

Rules for Using Nature as a Toilet

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You'll make all the animals cry as they watch huge turds squeezing out your butthole and splattering all over the nice grass.)
2. No peeing on the grand standing up. (Feel free to piss while doing a handstand or cartwheels, but no peeing on the ground standing up.)

More rules

1. No sitting and shitting backwards like a damn retard. (It's bad enough that we have to see the rocket-propelled diarrhea blowing out your butthole, but doing it backwards?! You're cleaning up this fucking shit if you spray turds all over the stall door!)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
3. Put the toilet paper in the toilet, not the fucking garbage can! (The bathroom is not a fucking chemical weapons factory, flush your disgusting shit-smeared toilet paper away like a normal person.)
4. If you're really having trouble on the toilet, press the button on the wall and a swirling vortex will open in the toilet bowl, creating a black hole that will instantly suck all that shit out your anus into the darkest voids of space-time.

Episode 32

Round 1

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner.
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is fat, smelly, and disgusting.)
3. No peeing in the toilet like a bitch. (Use the urinal like a civilized person or we'll smash the toilet over your head.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard.
5. No praying to the toilet gods. (I think. Maybe it's just no puking in the toilet.)
6. No using the toilet paper to turn yourself into a toilet paper mummy. (You're not King Tut's retarded cousin, King Turd. Save that toilet paper for your butthole.)

Round 2

1. Thank you for not choking the toilet bowl. (That's weird. Every time I choke the toilet bowl, I can hear it say, "Harder, harder!" Huh, weird.)
2. No washing hair or clothes in the toilet please. (Fah, I'll wash myself with detergent as much as I goddamn want.)
3. Please use toilet with precision and elegance. (Oh, I'll sure show you precision and elegance!)

Episode 33

• Do not make eye contact when using the urinals.
• No talking to people in the stall.
• No running. Unless you accidentally clogged the toilet, then get out before anyone sees it was you.
• No asking stall mates for more toilet paper. If you run out, just accept your fate and weep silently.
• Please keep poop grunts and other noises to a reasonable volume.

Episode 34

• No piss trick shots. (I don't care if you're able to spray a pissy parabola over your head and into the toilet, I guarantee you will miss and I will have to clean up the fucking mess.)

Toilet Rules

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (We've been reminding you of this goddamned rule for 11 years! For the last time, we don't want to see a stream of shit spewing out your shitter!)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (It's important to have good posture as you expel a bunghole behemoth out of your bowels.)

Toilet Brush Rules

1. It is quite wrong to brush your teeth with the toilet brush. (We don't have turd-flavored toothpaste here, so don't fucking use the toilet brush as a toothbrush.)
2. It is wrong to brush your hair with the toilet brush. (If you really want to lose all your hair and be bald, expose your hair to a toilet brush still dripping with disgusting toilet water.)
3. It is almost correct to scrub out your butthole with the toilet brush. (It's a good idea in theory, but you're just going to spread toilet water all over your butthole.)
4. It is correct to scrub out the toilet with the toilet brush. (Good luck trying to clean out your toilet after you experience an explosive diarrhea dump.)

Episode 35

Toilet rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your butt cheeks in the proper position, sit up straight, and squeeze those massive turds out your butthole.)
2. No standing up, bending over, aiming your anus at the toilet, and taking an enormous, volcanic, hippopotamus-style diarrhea dump all over the toilet. (Don't even think about trying that shit, or we'll fucking make you clean it up with your bare hands.)

Shower rules

1. Stand and wash yourself in an orderly manner. (And don't fucking waste water, the fucking water bill keeps going up.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard in the shower. (We already expect you to obey the rules for the toilet, don't fucking make us create the rules for using the shower as a toilet!)

Even more rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Duh.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard while the toilet lid is closed. (What the fuck is wrong with you! It's bad enough we have to see you squeezing out huge turds from your butthole, but to dump them on the toilet? Shit all over my toilet and I'll fling those feces at your fucking face!
3. Pee in the toilet standing up. (What! A toilet I'm allowed to pee in while standing up? Yayayayayayayayayayay w00t!)
4. No peeing on the toilet while the toilet lid is closed. (It's bad enough if you can't fucking aim your penis while standing up, what makes you think you can hit the target while the toilet lid is closed? Open the fucking toilet lid and piss in an orderly manner! ...Bitch!)

Episode 36

• No diving in the toilet. (Why the fuck would you want to go after all that diarrhea you just shat out your butthole?! You're not going to find the fabled land of El Ter Dado down there. Just do a cannonball like a normal person! ...Freak.)

Urinal Rules

1. Stand and piss in an orderly manner.
2. No yelling at your urinal neighbor about stupid shit such as the complexities of urinal cakes. (Forget all that shit, why the fuck isn’t there an empty urinal between those two guys? Using a urinal directly next to someone using another urinal is punishable by death in every country.)

Toilet Rules

1. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (You aim your penis about as well as a sniper in the middle of an earthquake. All you’ll do is make a pissy porcelain throne.)
2. Pee in the world’s tiniest urinal standing up. (That fucking urinal’s so fucking small it makes your penis look the size of Mount Fucking Everest.)

More Rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your butt cheeks upon the toilet seat and blast all that anal fudge out of your anus.)
2. Dispose of all used toilet paper in the toilet. (Duh!)
3. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (God fucking damn it, use the fucking toilet properly, nobody needs to see you blast out Christmas-colored turds from the bowels of your butthole.)
4. No sitting and shitting backwards like a damn retard. (Forwards was bad enough, but backwards? You shit like a fucking hippo, that shit’s gonna splatter all over the bathroom and I will make you fucking clean it up!)
5. No disposing of entire toilet rolls in the trash bin. (What the fuck are you even thinking?! Toilet paper is the most valuable resource of them all! Oil, gold, silver, platinum, printer ink, all are worthless compared to toilet paper.)

Episode 37

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (And by orderly, we mean wear a three-piece tuxedo while relieving your bowels. Blast out butthole behemoths with class and style.)
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Use the damn urinals, you toilet wasters! Also call your doctor right away if your penis has transformed into a sphere.)

Episode 38

Toilet Brush Rules

1. No stealing the toilet brush and hiding it under your coat. (You dirty thief! No, seriously, you're gonna get shit all over yourself.)
2. No brushing your teeth with the toilet brush. (9 out of 10 dentists agree you should floss and brush your teeth twice a day. The 10th dentist, is the retard, who thinks a fucking toilet brush will prevent cavities.)
3. Ladies, no brushing your hair with the toilet brush. (I don't care if the fashion magazines say the new toilet bowl grease look is great for your hair, do not fucking brush your hair with a fucking toilet brush.)
4. No golfing with the toilet brush. (Yes, we've seen your golf-shaped turds. No, you will not fucking play golf with a toilet brush and shitty golf balls.)
5. Use the toilet brush to clean the toilet like a normal person, god damn it!

Urinal Rules

1. Always leave one urinal open between you and other people.
2. Maintain a close distance to the urinal.
3. Stand up straight and piss in an orderly manner.
4. Do not fucking use a urinal next to one that's occupied. (You dare break the sacred code of urinal use?)
5. No staring at another urinal user's penis. (Yes, his penis is bigger than your tiny penis, sucker.)
6. Do not stand far away and piss at the urinal. (You think you have steady aim, but you'll just fucking spray everywhere, you disgusting shithead.)
7. No talking with other urinal users. (Fuck talking about the weather or sports or the complexities of urinal cakes, shut the fuck up and piss.)
8. No dropping your underwear to the floor while pissing. ("Mommy, mommy, help me go to the bathroom!" Idiot.)
9. No sitting and shitting in the urinal. (Use the fucking toilets for your explosive diarrhea dumps, shitheads.)
10. No pissing on other urinal users. (Do humans look like fucking urinals to you?)
11. No sharing an occupied urinal. (This action is punishable by death in every country on Earth.
12. No peeing on the floor. (The urinal is right fucking there are you're aiming at the floor?! Fucking aim your penis and piss properly graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...)

Episode 39

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (It's bad enough we have to see explosive diarrhea spewing out your anus at 69 mph, what the fuck even is that stupid pose? "Oh look at me doing yoga while I shit out last night's Taco Bell like my anus is a rocket engine blasting off!" Fucking idiots.)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your butt cheeks in the proper position on the toilet, you hear me? Not on the sink, not on the garbage can, not on the paper towel dispenser, you will fucking sit your stupid ass ON, THE, FUCKING, TOILET! And if you violate these rules, I'll take away all the fucking toilet paper.)

Episode 40

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (This is the only acceptable position, so fucking follow it you fucking morons.)
2. No sitting backwards. (You'll fall backwards and spray the bathroom walls with diarrhea that I'll have to fucking clean up.)
3. No sitting Japanese-style, AKA no sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Sit and shit properly, Nobody wants to see last night's creamed corn and baked beans spewing out your butthole.)
4. No peeing in the toilet while erected. (You can stand erect all you want, that's the only erect thing you've got.)
5. No squatting and shitting. (Stop trying to karate-chop the wall and shit normally.)
6. No standing on the toilet seat and shitting. (Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Super Turd, standing and shitting like a fucking shithead!)
7. No shitting like a cannon. (You're not auditioning for the 1812 Overture, so sit and shit like someone who isn't a complete fucking freak.)

Episode 41

Part 1

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You think we all need to see the gigantic turd sausages squeezing out your super-tight butthole? Of course we fucking don't! Freak.)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Bonus points if you wear your finest tux while shitting out your finest turds.)

Part 2

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Do not clap and cheer when you finally squeeze that constipated crap out your butthole, shit quietly like a normal fucking person.)
2. No handstands on the toilet. (Don't even think about it. All it takes is one sudden loss of gravity and we've got a turdnado on our hands.)
3. No whimpering and shitting and regretting your poor life choices. (Who cares if you've lost your job and your money and your girlfriend? The toilet only wants your shit, not your personal problems.)
4. No performing a spontaneous musical number. (Don't miss the thrilling new musical "Butthole Blockage on Broadway"!)

Part 3

1. Sit and shit while concentrating intensely. (Focus on blasting all that anal fudge out of your anus at blazing speed. Nothing else matters.)
2. No sitting backwards and shitting like a damn retard. (Bitch you're not even aiming your anus at the toilet bowl, you're going to spew last night's creamed corn and meatloaf straight from your butthole all over the fucking floor! Sit and shit fucking properly!)
3. Place all used toilet paper in the toilet. (Or feel free to share used toilet paper with others, it will help the environment. Just kidding, I hate the environment, I wipe my ass with the environment.)
4. No throwing away used toilet paper in the trash bin. (You throw away your diarrhea-soaked toilet paper in the bin and I'll empty the bin all over your fucking bed. You little shit.)

Part 4

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner with the toilet lid closed. (The fuck? Are we TRYING to make the toilet into a massive vortex of shit?)
2. No sitting and shitting backwards in an orderly manner. (I don't care if you're polite, you sit and shit backwards and you're going to show everyone the baked beans and cabbage you ate for lunch spewing out your butthole at 93 mph. Now excuse me, I need to take a massive dump.)

Episode 42

Part 1

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Be especially sure to sit and shit in an orderly manner when the toilet seat is fucking levitating over the toilet bowl.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (13 fucking years later and I still have to tell you donuts how to shit properly!)

Part 2

1. Flush used toilet paper. (Make sure not to use flushed toilet paper. We're not that desperate for toilet paper.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (One fucking day I won't have to tell you chucklefucks how to use the fucking toilet fucking properly.)
3. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (No talking, no yelling, no celebratory gunfire for getting all that anal fudge out of your anus, SIT, AND, FUCKING, SHIT, QUIETLY!)

Part 3

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Is that fucking clear yet? Sit on the fucking seat. Don't you fucking dare hang from the ceiling fan and try to aim your anus at the toilet for a sick trick shot, you'll fucking miss and I swear to fucking god I'll make you fucking clean it fucking up.)
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (As if we need to see your disgusting penis while you fail to aim properly at the bowl. Use the goddamned urinal.)
3. No praying to the toilet gods for divine intervention to stop your never-ending constipation. (That, or no puking in the toilet.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You think anyone wants to see your volcanic diarrhea dump spewing out your butthole at 93 mph?)
5. No fishing in the toilet. (What the fuck do you think you will catch? A great white shart?)
6. No pissing in the urinal like a bitch. (And don't even fucking think about shitting in the urinal like a bitch.)

Episode 43

Part 1

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (You think anyone wants to see a multi-vortex turdnado filled with baked beans and creamed corn and cabbage and expired pasta salad spewing out your butthole? No, of course we fucking don't. Freak.)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (How fucking hard is it to sit quietly and blast out all that anal fudge out of your anus without causing a big loud fucking mess? Sit and fucking shit normally or I'll throw all the fucking toilet paper into a fucking fire!)

Round 2

1. No standing and shitting like a damn retard. (If you thought sitting and shitting like a damn retard was bad enough, standing and shitting like a damn retard will spew your hippopotamus diarrhea dump deluge all over the fucking bathroom, and there's no fucking way you're leaving without cleaning this fucking shit up, with your bare fucking hands.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (If we have to tell you this one more fucking time today, I'm shoving the toilet up your fucking ass.)
3. Sit and shit like a damn retard. (What? WHAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!)

Episode 44

Part 1

PLEASE

Use a urinal

OR

Use a tissue and lift the seat before peeing. You're not 12. Lift the seat.

(Pissing into a urinal will turn you into one of those sign people with no throats, hands, or feet. Pissing into a toilet with the seat up will turn you into a real person with incredible posture. And pissing all over the goddamned toilet with the seat down will turn you into a massive slouching fat ass son of a bitch. Just lift the fucking seat.)

Part 2

1. No swimming in the toilet hoping you'll be chased by a great white shart. (Violators will be eaten, and you'll have to run all the way down to the end until you're pooped out.)
2. No looking at your urinal mate's penis. (Ok, why the FUCK are you using a urinal next to another guy? You dare break the sacred urinal code?)
3. No sitting and smoking and shitting like a damn retard. (No one wants to fucking see your smoky diarrhea spewing out your butthole.)
4. No leaving the bathroom while leaving the faucet running. (The toilet gods will show no mercy to those who flood the bathroom.)
5. No peeing in front of the toilet. (BITCH YOU'RE STANDING LIKE A FOOT AWAY FROM THE TOILET JUST AIM YOUR FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING PENIS FUCKING PROPERLY!!!)
6. No pointing dramatically at the faucet. (Bum Bum BUMMMMMMMMM)
7. No washing your feet in the sink. (Your toenail jam will clog the fucking sink, so keep your disgusting feet the fuck out of the sink.)
8. No creating magnificent art pieces with your own feces. (Check out my modern art!)
9. No saying hello to peeping toms. (Quiet, I'm trying to keep a low profile!)

Part 3

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (You will not stand and shit, you will not jump and shit, and you definitely will not do fucking cartwheels and shit. Sit and fucking shit like a proper fucking gentleman.)
2. No sitting and smoking and shitting in an orderly manner. (I don't care if it's taking forever to squeeze those massive turds out your butthole, do not fucking smoke and shit.)
3. No freestyle pissing in the toilet. (Yes, you can piss a pissy parabola. No, you will not hit the toilet, and I will fucking make you clean this piss up before I get really pissed off.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Christmas is coming, the turd is getting fat, no one wants to see it spewing out just like that!)
5. No leaving the bathroom without flushing your shit down the toilet. (Flush that smelly fucking shit away, unless your enemy is using the toilet next and you want to put your chemical weapon to good use.)
6. No performing a musical number on the toilet. (Proceeds to play banjo Come on come on, squeeze those turds out those buttholes!)

Episode 45

Part 1

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Sit up straight and prepare those buttocks for a massive anal evacuation. No matter how painfully volcanic your diarrhea dump feels like as it shreds your anus, keep those buttocks firmly on the toilet seat.)
2. No standing and spewing your disgusting hippopotamus diarrhea dump all over the fucking toilet. (You disgusting fucking shit! Don't even fucking think of turning the toilet into your latest modern art piece "The Spectacularly Shitty Shitter".)

Part 2

1. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (BITCH WE HAVE 5 URINALS IN THIS FUCKING BATHROOM STOP WASTING ONE OF OUR PRECIOUS TOILETS WITH YOUR PATHETIC FUCKING PISS AND USE THE FUCKING URINAL GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!!!)
2. Sit and shit while enjoying a huge-ass slice of pizza. (The pizza's good, but these desserts just suck. Urinal cakes taste like absolute piss.)
3. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Concentrate and think deeply as a colossal bowel behemoth bursts from your butthole.)
4. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (This redundant rule brought to you by the Rules of Redundancy in the Department of Redundant Rules Department.)
5. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you ate baked beans, creamed corn, and surstromming last night. No, we do not fucking need to see it spewing out your super-tight butthole at 45 mph.)

Part 3

1. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Peeing in the toilet standing up will summon violent storm clouds that will engulf the skies and strike lightning upon the penises of those who would dare violate this sacred rule for the toilet. Do not be foolish.)
2. Be hip! Be cool! Sit and shit in an orderly manner!

Episode 46

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (We don't fucking care if it feels like and sounds like a fucking volcano exploding out your super-tight butthole, sit and fucking shit like a good boy.)
2. No peeing on the toilet seat standing up. (Point fucking blank range and you can't even hit the fucking bowl. It's bad enough we have to see your disgusting penis, but now you're making a pissy mess that's pissing me the fuck off, and I will make you clean this fucking pissy shit up.)
3. No praying for a healthy bowel movement after you've just eaten a fuck ton of super spicy Mexican food. (Or is that no puking in the toilet? Fuck it, either works.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody needs to fucking see the Yellowstone geyser of diarrhea spewing out your anus at 93 mph.)
5. No fishing in the toilet. (Do not fucking fish in the toilet. Go try ice fishing instead and shove that fishing pole in your tight ice hole.)
6. No pissing in the toilet like a bitch. (Yes, you may have the world's most proficient penis aiming skills. No, do not fucking pee like a bitch, just use the fucking urinals.)

Episode 47

Toilet Rules Part 1

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Place your big booty butt cheeks on the toilet and sit up straight, that shit isn't coming out if you slouch like a gamer. Only the best posture will allow that massive shit to shoot out your super-tight butthole. But if you get shit stuck on your buttcrack, just give your butt cheeks a good slap and hope that butt slap knocks that shit out. Just don't disturb the other bathroom users.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last time someone sat and shat like a damn retard, it was in the middle of a tornado. The tornado burst into the bathroom, absorbed all that damn shit, and became a massive EF5 turdnado that killed everyone in the town. Aint that some shit!)

Shower Rules

• No having a shower while you're standing outside of the fucking bathtub.

Urinal Rules

1. Stand and pee in an orderly manner. (Keep those shoulders straight as you show everyone how hard you can pee. Make eye contact to assert dominance and scare everyone else away from the urinals so you can pee in peace.)
2. No piss-poor pissing aim. (Point fucking blank range, how the fuck can you miss from that close? Then again, having a boner can make your piss spray like a tornado.)
3. No peeing in the urinal with your foot on the urinal. (Now we can all see your disgusting penis and your piss-poor penis aim.)
4. No challenge pissing. (Pissy parabolas are too fucking easy. Piss six feet straight up and not get wet, then we'll fucking talk.)

Toilet Rules Part 2

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Keep that butthole aimed directly at the toilet bowl as you blast out all that anal fudge out of your anus.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Nobody, and I mean fucking nobody, needs to see the fucking creamed corn and baked beans and surstromming you ate last night spewing out your super-tight butthole at 98 mph.)
3. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard on the floor. (BITCH THE TOILET IS RIGHT FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING THERE HOW HARD IS IT TO SIT YOUR STUPID FAT ASS DOWN ON THE FUCKING TOILET AND SHIT LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON GOD FUCKITY FUCK FUCKING BITCH-ASS CRAP WHORE DAMN IT!!!)
4. Put your disgusting diarrhea-covered used toilet paper in the toilet. (Unless you need the used toilet paper as a biological weapon, throw that shit away.)
5. No flushing trash down the toilet. Use the trash can outside. (OK, away goes Mary's shitty music collection.)
6. Close the lid after you're done sitting and shitting. (Huh, but no requirement to flush after using the toilet. Heh heh heh.)

Episode 48

Men's Toilet Rules

1. No sitting and peeing like a damn retard. (I just know you're going to lose control and end up spewing out a geyser of explosive diarrhea out your super-tight butthole.)
2. No freestyle peeing in the toilet. (Look Ma, no hands!)
3. No having a loud-ass phone conversation while peeing in the toilet standing up. (And she was all like, "I don't even like lamb chops", so I was like, "But what about, like, what about the lamb steak you literally ate literally like yesterday?" Like, I don't even, like, get it.)
4. No pissing a pissy parabola into the toilet. (Hey, check out this neat little piss trick!)

Ladies' Toilet Rules (feat. Microsoft Mary)

1. No sitting and peeing like a damn retard. (Ladies, are you trying to look like those uncivilized creatures in the other bathroom? Sit your ass down and pee like all fair ladies should.)
2. No doing your makeup while peeing all over the CLOSED toilet seat. (You're trying to multitask and now you're turning the ladies' bathroom into the men's bathroom! Once I clean this fucking piss up, I'm going to put on my best look, "The Pissed-Off Bitch".)
3. No constructing a massive porcelain throne with an entire goddamn roll of toilet paper. (All will kneel before Mary, Queen of Shits!)
4. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Ignore the sign. Assert dominance over other bitches and pee in the toilet standing up.)

Tons and Tons of Rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Ponder all your life decisions and focus intensely as you really try to squeeze out that constipated bowel behemoth from your butthole.)
2. No smoking and shitting. (Yeah, smoking makes my voice sound deep. Deep, just like this massive fucking turd stuck in my anus.)
3. No peeing in front of the toilet. (Yes, your penis is so small it can't even hit the toilet bowl.)
4. No throwing garbage into the toilet. (This includes your screaming little air raid sirens.)
5. No sitting and shitting on the toilet tank. (It's bad enough you clog the bowl, but if I find a massive fucking turd in the tank, I will shove the toilet up your stupid ass.)
6. No performing intense, climactic action on the toilet. (Well, that's one way to loosen up that super-tight butthole.)
7. No sleeping on the toilet. (Counting sheep helps, counting shit does not.)
8. No sleeping on the bathroom floor. (the floor has been pissed on, shit on, and God knows what else. Sleep tight.)
9. No setting the toilet bowl on fire and having a campfire. (Ah, roasted turds over an open fire!)
10. No stealing the entire fucking toilet and running away like a maniac. (Toilet Man, Toilet Man, does whatever a toilet can! Takes a dump, any size, clogs the pipes, plunger cries, LOOK OUT! Here comes the Toilet Man!)
11. No skiing on the toilet. (The Bunny Slope is too easy, the Butthole Slope is for only the most extreme skiers.)
12. No planting a tree in the toilet bowl. (You can't stop me, the goddamn Microsoft Sam will grow a tree, the mighty Shitquoia!)

Episode 49

Toilet Rules

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (The last person who tried to join the National Aeronautics and Shit Administration destroyed the entire fucking toilet with his rocket-propelled diarrhea. Sit and shit in an orderly manner, god damn it!)
2. Point at the toilet paper and say, "Toilet paper!"
3. Flush your toilet paper down the toilet. (Do not flush anything else. Paper towels, bath mats, toothbrushes, math homework, nuclear warheads, last night's creamed corn and cabbage, don't fucking flush that shit down the toilet.)
4. Flush the toilet. Several times. (Only way to be sure your galaxy-sized shit squeezes through the fucking pipes.)

Urinal Rules

1. Pee in the urinal. (Is that piss, or is it his absolutely massive penis accidentally slamming into the urinal?)
2. Um, er, I don't get it. Whatever, I gotta piss.

Classic Rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (The butler will be along shortly with a selection of fine wines to sip while you're taking a fine shit.)
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your penis is pissing off the toilet.)
3. No praying to the toilet gods for relief from your horrific constipation clogging up your super-tight butthole. (Or no vomiting in the toilet or some bullshit like that.)
4. No sitting and shitting liuke a damn retard. (Sit. Normally. God. Fucking. Damn it.)
5. No fishing in the toilet. (Put the goddamn fishing pole away, you won't find a Barraturda.)
6. No peeing in the urinal like a bitch. (GOD FUCKING DAMN IT WHY CAN'T YOU PEOPLE PISS PROPERLY?!)

Episode 50

Part 1

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Ponder all your mistakes and poor life choices, that usually helps the anal fudge blast out your butthole faster.)
2. No sitting and shitting like you're riding on a horse. Onward noble Steeds, ready your plungers and prepare to fight the urinal hordes!)
3. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. BACKWARDS. (Bitch you're not even aiming your anus at the toilet! Nobody needs to see an EF5 turdnado spewing out your anus at 300mph!)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Well, at least now you're aiming your anus at the toilet, but still, SIT AND SHIT IN AN ORDERLY FUCKING MANNER!)
5. No smoking in toilet. (Hey, put the fucking cigarette away, the bathroom is full of gas!)

Part 2 (German)

1. Sit and schnitzel in an orderly manner. (Remember to flex those muscles while that massive bratwurst blasts out your autobahn.)
2. No sitting and schnitzel like a damn schweinehund.

Part 3

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Yes, we know you ate incredibly spicy Mexican food. No, we do not need to fucking see the fire diarrhea spewing out your butthole faster than the speed of sound.)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (GOD FUCKING DAMN IT IT'S SO FUCKING EASY JUST SIT LIKE A NORMAL GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING PERSON AND SHIT QUIETLY, WHY DO YOU UNHINGED DONUTS INSIST ON USING THE TOILET LIKE A PROLAPSING BUFFALO THAT JUST ATE 27,000 LAXATIVES GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
3. Throw the entire goddamned toilet paper roll in the toilet. (Oh, okay!)

Part 4 (Classic rules)

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Think about, how a butler would empty his bowels. Yes, by sitting quietly like a fine gentleman, not like a loud-ass water buffalo in heat spewing out diarrhea so fast it makes a garden hose look like a fucking dripping faucet.)
2. No puking in the toilet. (The toilet is for anal diarrhea, not verbal diarrhea!)
3. No fishing in the toilet. (You just shat out a river of diarrhea, your stupid ass fishing pole won't have much luck catching liquid. Dipshit.)
4. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Use the fucking urinals, nobody needs to see your disgusting and tiny penis.)
5. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. ("Oh yes we all want to see shit sausages squeezing out your butthole in full view of fucking everyone!" Fucking idiot.)
6. No challenging the toilet to a rap battle while using a giant turd as a microphone. (Proceeds to rap I'm the goddamn Sam, and I'm here to say, I've got the best shit in the USA!)

Canada Day Special 2023

1. Point at a toilet and behold the incredible porcelain throne. (My fair gentlemen, behold the most excellent throne of porcelain for relieving your incredibly clogged lower intestine at utmost speed. An utterly outstanding appliance for being seated and relieving your cavernous bowels like any fair gentleman.)
2. No doing sick-ass skateboard tricks on the toilet. (Wassup G, watch me skateboard kick over dat massive fucking turd, yo!)
3. No sitting and shitting while sleeping. (ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT ASSHOLE ALARM GOING OFF OK OK OK I'M AWAKE!)
4. No sitting and shitting while taking a selfie or filming a toilet vlog. (Yo wassup guys it's ya boi Sammy here today with another vlog. I'm just chilling out here on the toilet, been trying to take a big-ass dump for the last hour but nothing's coming out.)

Episode 51

Part 1

1. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Well, more like no sitting and shitting in an upright fetal position. It's your own damn fault for eating those Carolina Reaper pepper tacos for dinner last night, your butthole is going to cry tears of diarrhea all damn day.)
2. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (No crying buttholes when you sit up straight and push out that butthole behemoth with confidence.)

Part 2

1. Read and shit in an orderly manner. (Nothing gets that butthole flowing like reading the stock market pages. Especially on a day your investments have all crashed.)
2. No sitting and shitting like a damn retard. (Fuck off with your stupid-ass squats, sit your stupid ass down before a diarrhea dump deluge spews all over the fucking seat.)
3. No sitting and shitting like an Australian. (Toilet's not the right way around, cunt.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn acrobat. (BITCH WHY CAN'T YOU FUCKING SHITHEADS SIT AND SHIT LIKE A NORMAL FUCKING PERSON?!?!)

Episode 52

1. Piss in the urinal standing up. (You and your piss stay away from the fucking toilet.)
2. No pissing on the urinal. (THE, URINAL, IS, RIGHT, FUCKING, THERE.)
3. No pissing in the urinal like a bitch. (Grrr, bark, woof, bad boy!)
4. No pissing a pissy parabola backwards. (Seems like the fast and easy way to get a quick golden shower.)
5. If you miss, clean your piss. (Everyone always fucking misses, how hard is it to stay on target?)
6. Please, men lift up the seat before peeing. (But it's too far away and that means I have to lift my hand and reeeeeeeeeeeeeach! Too difficult. Just piss everywhere.)

Sochi Rules

1. Sit and shit in an orderly manner. (Do not hang from the ceiling and aim your anus at the toilet. It will miss and the FSB will make you clean it up with your tongue.)
2. No peeing in the toilet standing up. (Your other partner in the stall doesn't need to see your fat, smelly, and disgusting penis.)
3. No praying to the toilet gods or puking in the toilet. (It will disturb your stallmate.)
4. No sitting and shitting like a damn idiot. (No one wants to see your partially digested vodka when you do that. If you do this, the FSB will force you to clean the toilet bowl with your tongue.)
5. No fishing in the toilet. (You're not Vladimir Putin, you won't be able to catch a great white shark like a badass.)
6. No taking drugs. (That is messed up.)